what should i call it?

When i first drank alcohol, i felt like i have discovered the secret of the universe. why go through the difficult times without it? i had found the magic pill, the path to ignorance and immunity, and i was wondering why i hadn't made the discovery earlier. why didn't it occur to me that the magic potion, so easily available and raved about by everyone was the key to happiness?

never mind the sour taste(its the EFFECT that counts), never mind how it stings your throat(its the EFFECT that counts, and this counts twice), this baby was going to be by my side, i knew it.

it all began socially, and i soon became part of the top tier of drinkers (the elite, i tell u). i could down a pint in seconds, i could drink neats and not feel a thing, and i could participate (very proudly and full of confidence) in drinking competitions and come out a winner(of sorts). the neat thing about it (pun?) was the fact that i actually became quite creative at making drinks of my own. creating recipes, knowing what to mix with what, how much of it to mix, and who would best appreciate or survive the concoction....that had another kick of its own.

i did realize that the habit was getting a bit out of control when the decision on where to dine was conditional on whether or not the restaurant under consideration served alcohol. i also realized i had entered a new phase of alcoholism ( too strong a word,but let it never be said that i was in denial) when the drinking had begun during the morning hours (before and after lunch). but it was all under control..alteast until a point.

drinking had become the only narrow path to peace of mind. every sleeping and waking thought consisted of it. people around me probably did not realize or understand how serious the situation might have gotten. there were times when my drinking buddies would knock a glass of champagne out of my hand, just because i had had 'too much'. there were times when the same drinking buddies would sneak out behind a building for a gulp or two of vodka ...so yeah, who knew when their judgement was clouded and when it wasn't? their opinion never mattered. they were just that - drinking buddies.

eventually, i did realize something was wrong, but i never actually admitted or came to the conclusion that the root of the problem was alcohol. because then i'd have to give it up, right? and i couldn't do that..life without alcohol was unimaginable. out of the question. so much so, that i decided to go behind everybody's back and start drinking alone at home.....every night. sleep wouldn't come until atleast seven glasses of chivas went down. nobody knew, my friends thought im busy/tired/asleep/with other friends..but those were the times i quite enjoyed the alone time. the MUCH needed alone time.

the reason i said alcoholism is too strong a word: i just stopped drinking. no intervention required, no fancy rehab facility, no psychoanalysis, nothing. it just happened. my alcohol supply was lacking, and my craving levels fell. it was pretty simple: i wasn't happy without the alcohol, but i finally realized i wasn't happy with it either. going back to the month of september...when i wrote this, and im sure all of you remember, this one was most appreciated:

"Back to apple martini. I miss a cold, strong, drink, with a nice, long drag of my menthol slims. I miss driving while listening to loud music. I miss old friends, who i KNOW are never going to come back. the worst bit is, i dont know where 'home' is anymore, because i dont know where the heart is anymore. I'll know how much i REALLY missed apple martini after i've had a sip, i guess."


funny how things change with time.