When i first drank alcohol, i felt like i have discovered the secret of the universe. why go through the difficult times without it? i had found the magic pill, the path to ignorance and immunity, and i was wondering why i hadn't made the discovery earlier. why didn't it occur to me that the magic potion, so easily available and raved about by everyone was the key to happiness?
never mind the sour taste(its the EFFECT that counts), never mind how it stings your throat(its the EFFECT that counts, and this counts twice), this baby was going to be by my side, i knew it.
it all began socially, and i soon became part of the top tier of drinkers (the elite, i tell u). i could down a pint in seconds, i could drink neats and not feel a thing, and i could participate (very proudly and full of confidence) in drinking competitions and come out a winner(of sorts). the neat thing about it (pun?) was the fact that i actually became quite creative at making drinks of my own. creating recipes, knowing what to mix with what, how much of it to mix, and who would best appreciate or survive the concoction....that had another kick of its own.
i did realize that the habit was getting a bit out of control when the decision on where to dine was conditional on whether or not the restaurant under consideration served alcohol. i also realized i had entered a new phase of alcoholism ( too strong a word,but let it never be said that i was in denial) when the drinking had begun during the morning hours (before and after lunch). but it was all under control..alteast until a point.
drinking had become the only narrow path to peace of mind. every sleeping and waking thought consisted of it. people around me probably did not realize or understand how serious the situation might have gotten. there were times when my drinking buddies would knock a glass of champagne out of my hand, just because i had had 'too much'. there were times when the same drinking buddies would sneak out behind a building for a gulp or two of vodka ...so yeah, who knew when their judgement was clouded and when it wasn't? their opinion never mattered. they were just that - drinking buddies.
eventually, i did realize something was wrong, but i never actually admitted or came to the conclusion that the root of the problem was alcohol. because then i'd have to give it up, right? and i couldn't do that..life without alcohol was unimaginable. out of the question. so much so, that i decided to go behind everybody's back and start drinking alone at home.....every night. sleep wouldn't come until atleast seven glasses of chivas went down. nobody knew, my friends thought im busy/tired/asleep/with other friends..but those were the times i quite enjoyed the alone time. the MUCH needed alone time.
the reason i said alcoholism is too strong a word: i just stopped drinking. no intervention required, no fancy rehab facility, no psychoanalysis, nothing. it just happened. my alcohol supply was lacking, and my craving levels fell. it was pretty simple: i wasn't happy without the alcohol, but i finally realized i wasn't happy with it either. going back to the month of september...when i wrote this, and im sure all of you remember, this one was most appreciated:
"Back to apple martini. I miss a cold, strong, drink, with a nice, long drag of my menthol slims. I miss driving while listening to loud music. I miss old friends, who i KNOW are never going to come back. the worst bit is, i dont know where 'home' is anymore, because i dont know where the heart is anymore. I'll know how much i REALLY missed apple martini after i've had a sip, i guess."
funny how things change with time.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Monday, September 22, 2008
Sunday, September 7, 2008
the way i perceive them, in this moment
Each color represents the word best used to describe some of the people i know. you all know who you are. or maybe you dont. i know i've been very vague while describing most of you but thats the way i wanted it to be.
misty gray is for the insensate. the person who is weary of pressure. the person who wants to feel liberated, but is attached to an elastic band-like grip that keeps pulling them back every time they decide to flee. eventually, the band snaps, and they break away, only to find that the elastic band-like force has been attached to them again. but the progression has led them to become stronger than the grip, and immunity to further damage has allowed them to recover. hence, the insensate, until recovery.
bruised purple is for the wounded. the person who's experiencing fatigue from wake till sleep. all cheer is lost, but optimism remains. its a fight between despair and confidence, and so far the score is even. there's disorder and chaos in the mind, but the soul remains unruffled. the bruise is only physical. it shall heal.
sunset gold is for the masked. the doubter and the vulnerable. this person craves companionship, but at the same does everything in their power to drive it away. very few who peer beyond the false personality may be able to tell. the bogus image is a cover that is mostly translucent, and appears every time interest towards the within is demonstrated. the cover is so incessantly used, that it has slowly become part of the persons character.
chlorophyll green is for the serene. this person is ubiquitous. their teaching is is ubiquitous. this person has a transparent veil over their brain that protects and hides them from the desolation and hopelessness. theyre attacked often, but they bounce back every time. this person is the essence of self-assurance.
rain blue is for the gentle. this person is the hardest to bring down, because this person today is already the outcome of tough luck. brutally honest, and astonishingly kind. they spread hilarity in the most subtle way possible, and instill their school of thought within you before you know it. they bring with them both the freshness and gloominess of the rain, thanks to their bright disposition and sarcasm. they're as lazy as the gentle rain.
rash red is for the restless. this person fights with themself, and never seems to reach an outcome that satisfies. there is an ever present turmoil, and there is also a will to crush it that never dies. this person is forever putting on one mask after the other, not sure about which one is the right fit. the constant disguise has molded the real character into something that is neither here, nor there.
Disclaimer: refer to title
misty gray is for the insensate. the person who is weary of pressure. the person who wants to feel liberated, but is attached to an elastic band-like grip that keeps pulling them back every time they decide to flee. eventually, the band snaps, and they break away, only to find that the elastic band-like force has been attached to them again. but the progression has led them to become stronger than the grip, and immunity to further damage has allowed them to recover. hence, the insensate, until recovery.
bruised purple is for the wounded. the person who's experiencing fatigue from wake till sleep. all cheer is lost, but optimism remains. its a fight between despair and confidence, and so far the score is even. there's disorder and chaos in the mind, but the soul remains unruffled. the bruise is only physical. it shall heal.
sunset gold is for the masked. the doubter and the vulnerable. this person craves companionship, but at the same does everything in their power to drive it away. very few who peer beyond the false personality may be able to tell. the bogus image is a cover that is mostly translucent, and appears every time interest towards the within is demonstrated. the cover is so incessantly used, that it has slowly become part of the persons character.
chlorophyll green is for the serene. this person is ubiquitous. their teaching is is ubiquitous. this person has a transparent veil over their brain that protects and hides them from the desolation and hopelessness. theyre attacked often, but they bounce back every time. this person is the essence of self-assurance.
rain blue is for the gentle. this person is the hardest to bring down, because this person today is already the outcome of tough luck. brutally honest, and astonishingly kind. they spread hilarity in the most subtle way possible, and instill their school of thought within you before you know it. they bring with them both the freshness and gloominess of the rain, thanks to their bright disposition and sarcasm. they're as lazy as the gentle rain.
rash red is for the restless. this person fights with themself, and never seems to reach an outcome that satisfies. there is an ever present turmoil, and there is also a will to crush it that never dies. this person is forever putting on one mask after the other, not sure about which one is the right fit. the constant disguise has molded the real character into something that is neither here, nor there.
Disclaimer: refer to title
Thursday, September 4, 2008
The weaker sex?Hell yeah.
UY (Up Yours) is a guy I know who has started to refer to himself in the third person. How self centered can you be? Anyway, UY says that women are the weaker sex, because:
- the probability that they contract an STD is higher than it is for a man. Hmm. Oh, and they never seem to find out about it, too
- even at their peak, women are not as strong or skillful or any other thing for that matter, when compared to men at their peak.
UY also mentions that women get the (unfair) advantage because they're the weaker sex. Hence they're the stronger sex. UY needs to organise his thoughts. Btw, think women can sleep around more. And thank you, multiple orgasms.
Woman ARE the weaker sex. And they get no perks for being the weaker sex. "Ladies first" actually means "lets get them out of the way first". Most of the women in powerful positions in organisations slept with even more powerful men all the way to get there. Many countries now have equal minimum wages for men and women, just because its the hip thing to do. And politically correct, of course. But its all a gimmick, and the women know that.
I'm a woman, and a driver on the road swears at me the way he would swear at a man (equality?). I'm part of a group that consists of guys mainly, and they pretend to ignore the boobs and ass (thanks) and treat me like I'm one of them. But I'm not, and we all know it. No one bothers to give me 'technical' information about ANY topic, because 'pretty girls shouldn't bother themselves with any such thing'.
Men carry our bags for us, men give us way in an elevator, men let us have the last empty seat on the bus, men dont let us loiter around at night unaccompanied, men take care of the BBQ at a picnic, and the list is endless. That still doesn't mean that women are the stronger sex BECAUSE they're the weaker sex. That just means that men try to compensate us for the unfair treatment we receive in society. ANY society. What the hell defines 'weaker sex', anyway? I don't know anymore hyuk.
The blog post that got me started:
http://bohricho.blogspot.com/
- the probability that they contract an STD is higher than it is for a man. Hmm. Oh, and they never seem to find out about it, too
- even at their peak, women are not as strong or skillful or any other thing for that matter, when compared to men at their peak.
UY also mentions that women get the (unfair) advantage because they're the weaker sex. Hence they're the stronger sex. UY needs to organise his thoughts. Btw, think women can sleep around more. And thank you, multiple orgasms.
Woman ARE the weaker sex. And they get no perks for being the weaker sex. "Ladies first" actually means "lets get them out of the way first". Most of the women in powerful positions in organisations slept with even more powerful men all the way to get there. Many countries now have equal minimum wages for men and women, just because its the hip thing to do. And politically correct, of course. But its all a gimmick, and the women know that.
I'm a woman, and a driver on the road swears at me the way he would swear at a man (equality?). I'm part of a group that consists of guys mainly, and they pretend to ignore the boobs and ass (thanks) and treat me like I'm one of them. But I'm not, and we all know it. No one bothers to give me 'technical' information about ANY topic, because 'pretty girls shouldn't bother themselves with any such thing'.
Men carry our bags for us, men give us way in an elevator, men let us have the last empty seat on the bus, men dont let us loiter around at night unaccompanied, men take care of the BBQ at a picnic, and the list is endless. That still doesn't mean that women are the stronger sex BECAUSE they're the weaker sex. That just means that men try to compensate us for the unfair treatment we receive in society. ANY society. What the hell defines 'weaker sex', anyway? I don't know anymore hyuk.
The blog post that got me started:
http://bohricho.blogspot.com/
For Learner
He was always the odd one out in every class photograph, which is how I spotted him in the first place. He grew facial hair in Grade 5, and was ridiculed for it all the way till graduation. I guess he had some issues with hormones and we were kind of ignorant about the whole thing. In grade 11, he swore he had a heart issue, and only a few years to live, so for that reason I should accompany him to the prom. I'd already managed to have 2 dates to the prom at that time, so I didn't even consider his offer. Though i DID find out later that he'd asked pretty much every girl in school.
So we verbally abused each other quite alot since then. Then he proceeded to hack my hotmail account, and deleted all my emails, which were precious then. He did return my password to me, and I noticed he'd deleted everything but a folder with my pictures in it. Pervert. We never talked again, although he tried several times. Then facebook came along, and he sent me long messages about how he hates me for what I did to him. I still dont know what I did to him. But he did keep in constant touch, even though I didnt reciprocate.
Learner passed away. So I feel a little guilty for not communicating, and for not believing him when he whined about his health problems. Although it was a stupid way to ask a girl out. I always used to question him and others 'Didnt he say he had a few years to live? Why is he alive even NOW?'. So apologies, Learner. You had a pretty shitty life, hope you have a better afterlife.
So we verbally abused each other quite alot since then. Then he proceeded to hack my hotmail account, and deleted all my emails, which were precious then. He did return my password to me, and I noticed he'd deleted everything but a folder with my pictures in it. Pervert. We never talked again, although he tried several times. Then facebook came along, and he sent me long messages about how he hates me for what I did to him. I still dont know what I did to him. But he did keep in constant touch, even though I didnt reciprocate.
Learner passed away. So I feel a little guilty for not communicating, and for not believing him when he whined about his health problems. Although it was a stupid way to ask a girl out. I always used to question him and others 'Didnt he say he had a few years to live? Why is he alive even NOW?'. So apologies, Learner. You had a pretty shitty life, hope you have a better afterlife.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Piss off, you all.
I don't complain much,usually. I've stopped doing that. But I'll make an exception tonight. I've started to understand how god gives me one issue to focus on at a time. All these years, I had nothing to worry about, except one issue. Now that THATs out of the way, I SUDDENLY have other things to worry about.
At times like these, I miss the presence of some people in my life. They would calm me down, or distract me somehow. Not many people are capable of doing that. Or they'd atleast inspire me to deal with stuff the 'adult' way. So to those people- whereever you are, I wish you were here.
The past one year has been the biggest fuck-up of my life. Everything that could possibly go wrong, has gone wrong, short of my death, or worse, the death of someone dear. Until today, I believed in the famous Secret - if you really will for something to happen, it will. But now, all that seems like a load of bull, and I want to bitch slap everyone I know, and go to sleep for a hundred years or so. Which doesnt make sense I guess, because when I wake up, the problems will remain then, too. So I cant run away, I can't find a solution, I have nobody to fall back on. This is so emo. I want it to go away
At times like these, I miss the presence of some people in my life. They would calm me down, or distract me somehow. Not many people are capable of doing that. Or they'd atleast inspire me to deal with stuff the 'adult' way. So to those people- whereever you are, I wish you were here.
The past one year has been the biggest fuck-up of my life. Everything that could possibly go wrong, has gone wrong, short of my death, or worse, the death of someone dear. Until today, I believed in the famous Secret - if you really will for something to happen, it will. But now, all that seems like a load of bull, and I want to bitch slap everyone I know, and go to sleep for a hundred years or so. Which doesnt make sense I guess, because when I wake up, the problems will remain then, too. So I cant run away, I can't find a solution, I have nobody to fall back on. This is so emo. I want it to go away
people who are the focus of attention- by design
as opposed to people like me. These are the people who believe that everything that is being written, everything that has been talked about, is inspired by them. I wish they could differentiate a little, and realize that they just relate to the story of relevance, and are not the subject of it.
Religion
Just because I'm not fasting, I'm not getting any attention during Ramadan. People are not even serving me food because I 'must have already eaten'. wtf? I'm trying to be nice here and I'm not even eating all that much because everyone around me is fasting. hmph. My good deeds are always ignored.
What the hell is sufism? I've always heard about it, first because of Junoon, then from a couple of cousins whose religious belief includes sufism. I came across a group on sufism on facebook today, and I couldn't find any useful information in the group. It was just a bunch of pictures of men with beards and some arabic quotes. So I went on to other groups on facebook, and learnt that its a spiritual way of life or something, where people achieve a close connection with Allah by way of a certain kind of music and light.
Apparently, prayers and the holy book was not enough. In 'those' days, people used to pray and be really into it, but now, since we have alot of distractions, people have opted for sufism as a way to get closer to god. Did they ask for gods permission before doing that sort of thing? maybe they did..once they achieved that 'close connection' hyuk. I don't know much about sufism, but from what I know already...I'm very, very skeptical about the whole idea. This reminds me of a very popular sufi song 'supreme ishq' that came out several years ago(ty sania)...and if thats the kind of music people listen to to get close to god, then I should go clubbing more often. No dissing for the semi-sufi band Junoon, because I love them.
So yeah, if anyone whos informed has some insights, please share it with me.
What the hell is sufism? I've always heard about it, first because of Junoon, then from a couple of cousins whose religious belief includes sufism. I came across a group on sufism on facebook today, and I couldn't find any useful information in the group. It was just a bunch of pictures of men with beards and some arabic quotes. So I went on to other groups on facebook, and learnt that its a spiritual way of life or something, where people achieve a close connection with Allah by way of a certain kind of music and light.
Apparently, prayers and the holy book was not enough. In 'those' days, people used to pray and be really into it, but now, since we have alot of distractions, people have opted for sufism as a way to get closer to god. Did they ask for gods permission before doing that sort of thing? maybe they did..once they achieved that 'close connection' hyuk. I don't know much about sufism, but from what I know already...I'm very, very skeptical about the whole idea. This reminds me of a very popular sufi song 'supreme ishq' that came out several years ago(ty sania)...and if thats the kind of music people listen to to get close to god, then I should go clubbing more often. No dissing for the semi-sufi band Junoon, because I love them.
So yeah, if anyone whos informed has some insights, please share it with me.
Monday, September 1, 2008
love to knot, or knot to love?
while i was talking to leena abt this, i said 'im gonna add this to my blog' and she said 'add it to your head' but its worth talking abt here anyway.
you know we get really close to someone, and then they turn out to be shitty people, but we never wanna let go because we don't want to believe that those people are shitty. or maybe we do believe those people are shitty, but we think we can deal with it. truth is, we can't. but why dont we ever give up?
most of us opt for the 'love to knot' option, even though we know we're probably never going to be happy with the shitty people as life partners. all of us know that 'knot to love' is the safer option, keeping in mind that the person in question is actually one of the nice guys (who, by the way , always finish last. thanks leena)
so why do we get a kick out of choosing the more difficult option? faced with the choice, i know i'd pick the one thats going to get me in trouble. good thing im not facing any choices right now.
you know we get really close to someone, and then they turn out to be shitty people, but we never wanna let go because we don't want to believe that those people are shitty. or maybe we do believe those people are shitty, but we think we can deal with it. truth is, we can't. but why dont we ever give up?
most of us opt for the 'love to knot' option, even though we know we're probably never going to be happy with the shitty people as life partners. all of us know that 'knot to love' is the safer option, keeping in mind that the person in question is actually one of the nice guys (who, by the way , always finish last. thanks leena)
so why do we get a kick out of choosing the more difficult option? faced with the choice, i know i'd pick the one thats going to get me in trouble. good thing im not facing any choices right now.
riss pwns bohris too.
once im done with all the 'pwn' equations, i'll 'solve' for the winner (the person or object or place that pwns ALL). anyway, riss pwns bohris because he's the guy who came up with the blog address. i told him to come up with something that defines me, and he did a great job lol. one day i will explain the symbolic meaning of the blog address. but i guess everybody who knows me already knows hyuk.
my real estate whoring phase has slowed down with the market. i guess its because im not going to be back in dubai for another 2-3 months, but i'm sure it'll pick up again.
btw, you know how we all use 'vasta' or 'connections' or 'nepotism' or whatever, to get around? if by any chance someone who IS the vasta gets to read this, please share yourself equally with the rest of us. thanks.
i hate people. im glad ive had this physical distance to reflect a little. now i know who my real friends are...i'm glad i don't have many.
many of my friends nowadays are going through the phase ive been going through for the past couple of years. i hope they all recover soon. i'm going to be patient with them, even though i know they're being unreasonable. it's not a good place to be. for anyone.
my real estate whoring phase has slowed down with the market. i guess its because im not going to be back in dubai for another 2-3 months, but i'm sure it'll pick up again.
btw, you know how we all use 'vasta' or 'connections' or 'nepotism' or whatever, to get around? if by any chance someone who IS the vasta gets to read this, please share yourself equally with the rest of us. thanks.
i hate people. im glad ive had this physical distance to reflect a little. now i know who my real friends are...i'm glad i don't have many.
many of my friends nowadays are going through the phase ive been going through for the past couple of years. i hope they all recover soon. i'm going to be patient with them, even though i know they're being unreasonable. it's not a good place to be. for anyone.
i miss apple martini
i do. i really, really do. this is the longest i've ever been in karachi. and i still have 2 months to go before i go 'home' to dubai. i've been living here for longer than a month, and why this country has hardly made progress is evident ALREADY. why can't the people who live here see it? or have they been living here for too long, and they're just 'immune' to the issues? i doubt that, because everyone still complains about everybody ELSE anyway, so they probably ARE aware.
-people pay the teachers at school so their kids who just failed can get promoted to the next grade.
-people cut off their arms/legs to look needy and beg for money. why cant they work , instead?
-the gardener, the cook, the watchman, the POLICEMAN, inform the robbers about the best times to 'attack' a particular home. why can't they opt for a better method for redistribution of wealth?
-zardari.
I stop short, because theres really no point. everybody knows what their issues are. we should just try to be better people. try for longer than a week, i mean.
Back to apple martini. I miss a cold, strong, drink, with a nice, long drag of my menthol slims. I miss driving while listening to loud music. I miss old friends, who i KNOW are never going to come back. the worst bit is, i dont know where 'home' is anymore, because i dont know where the heart is anymore. I'll know how much i REALLY missed apple martini after i've had a sip, i guess.
-people pay the teachers at school so their kids who just failed can get promoted to the next grade.
-people cut off their arms/legs to look needy and beg for money. why cant they work , instead?
-the gardener, the cook, the watchman, the POLICEMAN, inform the robbers about the best times to 'attack' a particular home. why can't they opt for a better method for redistribution of wealth?
-zardari.
I stop short, because theres really no point. everybody knows what their issues are. we should just try to be better people. try for longer than a week, i mean.
Back to apple martini. I miss a cold, strong, drink, with a nice, long drag of my menthol slims. I miss driving while listening to loud music. I miss old friends, who i KNOW are never going to come back. the worst bit is, i dont know where 'home' is anymore, because i dont know where the heart is anymore. I'll know how much i REALLY missed apple martini after i've had a sip, i guess.
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